Lets end this.

 Writing this while thinking of someone.

Lets end this of whatever we think of it. Whether we ended this for good, or we end up being together.

I am serious.

x.

Introspeksi

 Sejak break-up tanpa kata-kata itu, setiap hari saya fikir kenapa break up. 

Sebab setiap kali orang terdekat tanya kenapa putus, sukar sekali saya mentafsirkan dengan kata-kata.

Well menurut Kamalia Kamal, penasihat tak bertauliah yang sohor di instagram, setiap relationship yang gagal tu kena ada muhasabahnye, kena "audit relationship", supaya we can do better on the next one.

Eh bolayanlah bila aku dah mula campur manglish kat sini.

Well aku banyak membaca sangat agaknya sampai dh tak tahu macammana nak explain yang my deep instinct know he is not the one. 

Kalau listkan memang ada banyak weh. Well of course sebab dia manusia aku manusia yang ada banyak kelemahan. Tapi aku dah pergi sesi kaunseling dgn Normaliza Mahadi, kaunselor perkahwinan.... dia kata; "kalau ada banyak sangat benda yang awak kena compromise, then he is not the one, awak carilah orang lain".

Apa aku cari kat pasangan?

1. Beriman.
2. Qowwam, dan Respectable
3. Suke beraktiviti/pandai isi masa lapang
4. Tahu yang haq dan yang batil
5. Mendekatkan aku dengan Allah
6. Melengkapi, i,e, aku xpandai masak dia boleh ajar, aku nak sambung master dia boleh taja #ehhh
7. Boleh tegur aku bila aku buat salah, dan boleh terima teguran bila aku tegur.
8. Sedap mata memandang untuk aku.
9. Menghargai keluarga
10. Suka berusaha/sentiasa memastikan diri bekerja & faham konsep tetap berpendapatan (x semestinya berpendapatan tetap tapi setiasa tetap berpendapatan dalam apa jua keadaan. kreatif cari sumber pendapatan xkisahlah meniaga ke, buat grab/foodpanda ke, insurans ke.. tapi dia kene tahu yg dia xboleh makan hasil pendapatan isteri)

Apa BIG RED FLAG yang buat aku terhenti nak teruskan ialah... AKU TAK BOLEH RESPECT DIA.

Ummi Norsiah kata.. Lelaki, kalau dia tahu je point ni, consider the relationship already gone. Lelaki perlukan orang yang look up kat dia, barulah dia rasa qowwam dan dihargai. Namun begitu lelaki yang aku kenal ni, aku dah cuba sehabis upaya nak cari point untuk respect dia tapi tak boleh. Dan itu membuatkan aku tak bahagia.

Well kalau byk sgt dgr teori, aku yg mampoih nnti.. Pokok pangkalnye hati, hati aku suka ke tak. tu je. 

btw yang aku banyak sangat masa menulis ni pasal harini aku suspected positive cov19. Semoga nothing serious.

Kalau aku mati, tolong doakan aku masuk syurga <3 

Marry Wrong can turns you into a monster

 When I was in a relationship some time ago, i was always in great anger.

Of course coming from a different background is not a reason. But not being able to understand each other's vision and situation is the problem. I couldn't cope with one's "too much bad habits". So I decide to let go.

Naturally I am not a bad-tempered person. but with him I develop quick temper. I dont enjoy his company, and I dont bring joy to him as well.

So. Conclusively, dont marry wrong as it will change you into some monster that you dont even recognize yourself.

Some wise man says, "save the relationship or lose yourself, or save yourself and lose the relationship. both are painful and hard, but choose your hard".

kahwinla cepat?

 i dont have the motivation to "kahwin cepat"

I know that marrying is a fitrah, and sunnah.

I know I am looking for someone to marry. But I dont rush.

Two days ago while sending my car to coating & polish, I took a GrabCar to AEON Nilai, just to do work there. The GrabCar uncle is so friendly & kinda shocked when I as a woman do the car care. He asked,

"umur berapa cik?"

"33"

"Dah kahwin belum?" staple question, I guess.

"belum cik. tu pasalla jaga kereta je haha"

"Kene cari cepat tu cik. 33 dah uii"

Then pakcik is like silent himself, worrying that he might go overboard. InsyaAllah, pakcik..

Well I am back to square one. open for a search again, though my heart is broken into pieces due to my own doing. 

For now let me recreate the smiles on my mother's face. I wanna see that.